How I think rugby union works

People run around, then get tackled. For 5-30 seconds anything at all is allowed so long as you don’t introduce edged weapons. When people start getting tired of stomping the poor sod on the bottom, someone picks up the ball and legs it. They get tackled but a cat in the alley outside rolls snake eyes in an illegal craps game; so you have a scrum.

The scrum involves getting the biggest bastards from your home town to tape their ears back, form up and ruin their backs in the quickest time possible. You have to push about three inches above the turf but if you are so ill mannered as to fall down because you’re experiencing tremendous force on a slippery surface, you are deemed to be bounders and cads and a penalty will be awarded.

The cat roles a seven and now you have a line out, where you shout random words before a couple of your mates pick up the lightest and least-liked guy on the team and hurl him into the air. If you’re lucky you can also scone the guy with the ball and retain possession.

Around this point a couple of guys who haven’t done much will have a kicking battle, showing that egg shaped balls can travel amazing distances and give the front row a bit of a breather.

Repeat for 80 minutes and declare the All Blacks winners with a margin determined by the crap shooting cat’s last five rolls, retire to the pub.

But I may not have all of the details exactly right.

around the traps

around the traps

around the traps

around the traps

Another absolute ripper of a trailer for the paralympics:

around the traps

sydney weather severity scale

  1. Instagrams bragging about unseasonably mild weather
  2. People go to the footy
  3. Instagrams complaining about weather actually matching season
  4. Instagrams of broken umbrellas
  5. People stay in and watch footy on TV
  6. Instagrams of Manly ferry in huge waves
  7. People in wetsuits dodge waves on boardwalks
  8. Manly ferry stops running
  9. Instagrams of garden furniture upended in back yard
  10. People in wetsuits go to the footy
  11. People who don't catch it notice the Manly ferry stopped running
  12. People told not to go to festivals
  13. People surprised to discover cars don't float
  14. People told not to go anywhere at all
  15. People in wetsuits swim in local park
  16. Instagrams of neighbour's roof in back yard
  17. People in wetsuits told to go home
  18. Festivals cancelled
  19. Manly ferry converted to ark
  20. Footy cancelled

around the traps

locked and lost

the larval monuments lurk unlit
beneath their laddered guards
as gaping grounds of labour
ooze corrupt towers of glass

stolen glints from half-blank windows
dust and grime and protective film
wraps the dirty concrete newborn
of a city locked out and spent

the king hits of impotent rage
fall short of the puppet's masters
but strike all young dreams down
to leave only a mother's grief

wars of words whip around us
into polls and posts and papers
but none of that will find a fix
for empty seats or brooding streets

we brought this down upon ourselves
allowing spiteful polls and slogans
a nation voting from the bottom up
gets not needs but just desserts

our bloody beginnings are denied
whether native or convict or settler
despite the stone beneath our feet
collecting the wear of future past

was humanity lost or never here?
did our hearts and hands ever share?
for the way was lost along the way
and we wonder where to find it