i think i've solved the mystery

Why Does Windows Still Suck? / Why do PC users put up with so many viruses and worms? Why isn't everyone on a Mac? OK, great question: why do people put up with their computers fucking up? Then it turns into Mac zealotism. Shit man, you started out so well.

This go me thinking about the whole Mac vs. PC thing (again) and I think I've finally worked out what's going on: this whole Mac thing... it's a conspiracy.

I have to say, I've always wondered what MacHeads were getting out of Macs that I'm missing. Sure, they might look pretty (the Macs that is) but I've never found the ones that these people clearly use - you know, it directly stimulates the pleasure centres of the brain, makes you a coffee and gives you a blowjob (alter this to your relevant beverage/body parts, work with me people).

See, I hear people talk about how their Mac has never crashed and never needed any maintenance. Ever. Plus they knew how to use it instantly and never once screamed at it in frustration. Then they say how it's so cool that there's an update to the OS every other week which they've just installed, you know the one with the feline name? OSX Kitty or something. Doesn't matter that they dump on Windows for having an OS update every other week, their updates are Good Updates. Plus they're now claiming that Macs are 'cheap'.

None of this matches my own experience. The Macs I've used crashed just as much as any other computer. They all cost substantially more than any comparable PC (unless you're fucking stupid enough to buy a Dell or whatever name brand). I once spent an hour trawling the help files looking for the answer to a simple question... only to discover its help files assumed I already knew where to find Panel X. I assume Panel X existed somewhere on the machine, but I'll never know since I reefed the power cable out of the wall and asked a MacHead to test the damn website on their laptop (why do so many MacHeads drag their personal laptop into work, only to run it next to their work-supplied G5-from-hell?).

I've tried, really. I've used Macs. Only once as a workstation - *twitch* the G3 crash-o-matic *twitch*twitch*. But we have Macs at work for testing purposes. I've used a G3, G4, G4 dual-chip, PowerBook and an iMac (first generation). I've used OS 8, 9, 10. Maybe 7, not sure. I have not found any iteration to be 'intuitive' - ever since my first Mac experience, I've found them annoying. The power button was placed on the keyboard (I call it the 'cat key') and marked with a left-pointing triangle. WTF? The floppy drive had no eject button. WTF? I have to drag my disk WHERE on the desktop? WTF? Are you fucking crazy? On my Amiga that meant FORMAT.

My overall position is this: Macs are no more reliable than anything else. They are no more intuitive than anything else (that's probably the key point actually). I *hate* the Mac 'floating window' paradigm. I hate the way Mac OS comes up with radically different interface features in every new release (where did that weird little pop-out configuration bar thing go?). I definitely hate the way everything on a Mac is bloody *round*. Apparently corners scare Mac people. Games... need I say more? A lot of the software I like doesn't have a Mac port (the major stuff, yes; but not the various utilities). Most file compatibility issues I've come across were related to going between Mac and PC. Sure, there aren't many Mac viruses out there... but that isn't going to make me switch. I do, however, want an iPod. Please also note that I'm not saying Windows is good or doesn't crash or any crap like that. I think Windows sucks, but I don't have the time/energy to learn Linux and I don't have the money or inclination to buy a Mac.

I've just watched a workmate go through the joy of getting a brand new iMac G5. Sure, it may have taken several attempts to get his files off the G4. Sure it might have taken hours even over the apparently-magical firewire. But hey, it's nifty and one piece and runs nice and fast! Two days later he was logging a support job to replace the monitor since it had fucked pixels (some dead, some 'dark'). Massive runaround ensues since not even the people who sold the machine to our organisation know what the tech support deal is. He's told he'll have to ship the damn thing off site for at least a week - hang on, it's an iMac so doesn't that mean he will have NO COMPUTER? You can't just borrow a monitor off someone. Eventually they are forced to come out and replace the monitor on site. The new monitor only has one fucked pixel.

Of course, he still defends his Mac. It has not actually wronged him, he still feels the love. Although not a tattood iSoldier in the OS frontlines, he remains a Mac advocate.

Then it hits me - the people who sold this Mac didn't know who was getting it. They didn't know they were going to harm a Brother. They shipped.... an evil Mac.

You see, finally realisation has dawned. There are two kinds of Macintosh. There's the kind I've come across... then there's the kind that they sell to people who go to Mac showrooms with their Mac t-shirts, Mac tattoos and the blue iPod which is the Work iPod (nothing in this sentence is a joke). These people get ushered out the back, to the room with hundreds of Mac Ninja training for.... well, who knows? Even Mac Ninja are Ninja. So anyway, in this secret room they find rows of............... the Other Macs.

My guess is these Other Macs have the fuckup chip removed. These Macs actually have a Panel X, a screensaver and an eject button on the CD drive. All games run on this Mac. Even Microsoft applications run perfectly on this Mac (or maybe not, if you read the article...). This is.... The Mac.

The Zealot is then initated into the next level of the cult, sworn to secrecy and sent home with their cheap, perfect Mac. They are given DVD manuals on how to annoy the piss out of everyone by talking about their Mac all the fucking time. They actually earn money for defending the price of their own Mac, thus coming out with a profit over time.

The rest of us get Evil Macs.


Anonymous Anonymous  

February 24, 2005 2:46 pm

looks like I've got an evil mac

but it could just be safari

Add Your Comments

Please use Name/URL or an OpenID option rather than posting anonymously.

Post a Comment