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How I think rugby union works

People run around, then get tackled. For 5-30 seconds anything at all is allowed so long as you don’t introduce edged weapons. When people start getting tired of stomping the poor sod on the bottom, someone picks up the ball and legs it. They get tackled but a cat in the alley outside rolls snake eyes in an illegal craps game; so you have a scrum.

The scrum involves getting the biggest bastards from your home town to tape their ears back, form up and ruin their backs in the quickest time possible. You have to push about three inches above the turf but if you are so ill mannered as to fall down because you’re experiencing tremendous force on a slippery surface, you are deemed to be bounders and cads and a penalty will be awarded.

The cat roles a seven and now you have a line out, where you shout random words before a couple of your mates pick up the lightest and least-liked guy on the team and hurl him into the air. If you’re lucky you can also scone the guy with the ball and retain possession.

Around this point a couple of guys who haven’t done much will have a kicking battle, showing that egg shaped balls can travel amazing distances and give the front row a bit of a breather.

Repeat for 80 minutes and declare the All Blacks winners with a margin determined by the crap shooting cat’s last five rolls, retire to the pub.

But I may not have all of the details exactly right.

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